A Sperm's Tale

I’m not sure whether or not my Irish Catholic grandparents would approve of their unwed granddaughter writing two sex-related articles in one week. Alas, my cousin, a nanny (a.k.a. a “mother without having messed up her vagina”), just gave me the scoop on the Shettles Method and I can’t help myself.

The method is named after Landrum Shettles, author of the 1971 book How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby. The book breaks down male verses sperm traits in relation to the timing of the menstrual cycle, identifying how to conceive a baby of each gender. Experts have claimed that the Shettles Method is a load of crock, but people have been swearing by in since ‘71.

The female menstrual cycle is an epic event with many players. A woman’s eggs are stored in sacs in her ovaries called follicles. At birth females have somewhere in the range of half a million of these follicles, which is way more kids than even Jesus reincarnated in a husband could ever help raise. In the menstrual cycle, the follicles mature over seven days, all the while causing the release of the hormone estrogen into the bloodstream. When the estrogen reaches a certain level, it signals the hypothalamus (the gland in the brain that controls hormones) to burst open the most mature follicle by releasing even more hormones. The egg that emerges from the follicle finds its way into the Fallopian tube, where hair-like “cilia” push it toward the uterus. Fertilization can occur if sperm and egg hook up in the Fallopian tube as the egg is in transit.

There are two hormones involved in all of this—estrogen (aforementioned) and progesterone. If the egg and sperm can hold onto each other during the long and treacherous journey to the uterus, then get the necessary amounts of estrogen and progesterone, the woman is likely to get pregnant. In joyful preparation, progesterone will cause a bunch of mucous to build up on the surface of the uterine lining. If the sperm/egg combo isn’t implanted in the uterus after ovulation, the arteries of the uterine lining actually close off (I picture these tubes bending in a sort of turning-up-the-nose fashion), which stops blood flow to the surface of the lining. The blood that should have been flowing pools up until it bursts, and, carrying the mucous lining with it, flows over and out.

Thus, the most fertile period is when the egg is in transit. If followed correctly, the rhythm method indicates when a woman should have sex in order to conceive and when she can go wild in the sack without becoming a weathered-looking mother of twelve. Unless you’re hyper-aware of this method’s nuances, however, you’re likely to mess it up.

Before learning of Shettles and his Method, I thought that was it. Family planning meant following the rhythm method which meant searching Craigslist for used Aerostars and free kids clothes. Now I know it includes application of doggy-style sex and baking soda douches.



(noice braids)

Sperm carrying the Y chromosome (boy sperm) are small and weak and really speedy. Sperm carrying the X chromosome (girl sperm) are big and strong and kind of slow. If sex is had three days before ovulation, the Y sperms are more likely to die off because they’re too weak to survive the fallopian tube journey. Sex at ovulation or right after it, however, favors Y sperms because they’re fast enough to get to the egg before the slow-moving Xs.

Alkalinity can also determine whether or not the girl or guy sperm survive. Girls are more likely to survive in a more acidic environment, as opposed to guys, who thrive in one more alkaline. Thus, a vinegar douche right before sex will provide the acidic environment girls need to thrive; a baking soda douche will give guys the alkaline advantage.

Doggy-style helps boy sperm dodge the acidy entrance to the female vagina, while the more shallow-penetrating missionary position exposes boy sperm to the elements. Another aid for the tiny guys: mom’s orgasm. Female orgasms release a substance that makes the whole place more alkaline. If a woman is to not orgasm before the sperm are released (SURELY an inconceivable event) the girl sperms have the advantage.

Shettles has more tricks up his sleeve to aid couples in producing offspring of the gender of their choice, but these are the basics. It is also recommended that couples do further research into douching before attempting one, as the vinegar scent may knock one of the two partners unconscious and completely botch the whole thing.