Life with Camry

Humans can’t get enough of longing for the unobtainable. If only--the ubiquitous phrase. If only I had cable, I could waste away more hours watching the NBA’s ridiculously long season. Or a smaller waist line, then I’d definitely get a man worth keeping! My personal favorite: if I could only get this girl/guy I’m obsessed with to notice me, I’d stop being such a douche bag to my friends. Life is deemed imperfect and empty until the next obsession comes along, creating a cyclical pattern of lust, greed and insecurity.

This winter I’ve developed one of my own. If I could only I could speak the language of my 1995 Toyota Camry, life would be a lot easier.

We haven’t been in each others’ lives that long and I’m really trying to understand her. I try to drive carefully and check her oils regularly. I even dropped a couple pay checks to get her rear struts replaced. Still, she locks her rear tires when I brake, spins them when I accelerate. She encourages unknown men to break her rear window and feel around her insides when I’m not there. Recently she locked my key in the ignition and instead of just telling me to reposition the mug in the cup holder so she’d be fully engaged in Park, she laughed at me.

She’s kind of a tease.

Okay, but is she suicidal? See she's does this thing with her gas pedal a couple times…I’ll let off and she’ll just hold it there for a second. And another second. Aaaand, there are break lights in front of us, COME ON, STOP IT, IS THIS SOME SORT OF A SICK GAME TO YOU?!? To which she’ll finally let off with a mocking rumble rumble.

The U.S. Department of Transportation says it’s not an electrical flaw. Nope, nothing wrong with her noggin ma’am, just her floor mat and/or her sticky gas pedal. SURE. Me, I think she's bat shit crazy and wants to go visit her Camry friends in recall land. I can picture them having planned this on the assembly line, exchanging VIN numbers and washer rings, “Guys, if we aren’t already totaled in 15 years, let’s all start sticking the gas pedals, okay?”

Me, I'll play along. Take her to the dealership, then maybe give her a little wax rub if she starts behaving. Maybe I'll never speak Camry, but who doesn't like to get rubbed down?